will 6277 please take the lead?
he’s ready + primed for the kill
every bone tuned to hunter mode
bittersweet + dark
What the rest did I was average,
but I don’t mind.
Drawn on two sides without disguise,
but I don’t mind.
Runs on no sleep drawn to defeat,
but I don’t mind…
– The Boxer Rebellion
never was a cornflake girl
thought that was a good solution
hangin with the raisin girls
she’s gone to the other side
givin us a yo heave ho
– Tori Amos (Cornflake Girl: Under the Pink)
“change, everything you are and everything you were. your number has been called; fights and battles have begun, revenge will surely come. your hard times are ahead.” – muse (butterflies + hurricanes)
“I also know how important it is in life not necessarily to be strong but to feel strong. To measure yourself at least once. To find yourself at least once in the most ancient of human conditions. Facing the blind death stone alone, with nothing to help you but your hands and your own head.”
— Christopher McCandless, Into The Wild
Soooo…I’ve been more elusive lately than usual I realize.
My biological grandmother reached out for the first time in…11 years. I was the decission maker not to keep in touch at 14 b/c mummy shared all the details on biological father. Also Paula (bio grandma) did some lying + damage before + I don’t feel she can be trusted. She’s always done what’s best for HER + her SON.
Read messages between her + my younger sister + the lies sickened me. My sisters are not + will not meet up w/ her based off of the past. I answered all their questions, as did mummy.
My brother is in Vegas now, spending time w/ her + meeting the half-siblings. And he went going despite knowing it would hurt my parents (mummy + “step” dad…).
Annnnddddd that’s what has bottled for over a month now, but currently my bro is expecting me to be nice + supportive. I’m remaining neutral + not letting him know I’m upset.
My brother works at a gas station at night + goes to school, sooo he has insomnia + we talk lots via BBM. Finally I had to pass out + told him to go to bed…though I doubt he did.
Me thinks I’m going to be quiet w/ my brother for a day…let things settle.
Life is odd, made a huge mistake while fucked up as all hell. I do regret, sort of want to run in shame…but all I can do is try to cover it up + let very few know…
The longer it sunk in through the haziness…
In the end I feel more icy than ever for having not the slightest sliver of care or attachment. And all I could think was, “That’s it?”
Hype. All of it.
Pointless I think until w/ someone who cares + has mutual feelings. Then could be fun…but until then? No thanks…
Now I understand the de-attachment factor, wholly. Also I feel a little more bitter + sad that I feel such rare mutual feelings w/ almost everyone. Minus one select person…but, I’m not holding my breath. It was my brain’s stoned logic that said, why the fuck not? You may get over him.
Didn’t work. I just felt more empty in the end…
